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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.