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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards