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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?