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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.