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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"