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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business