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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
My favorite beer is an open one.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.