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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?