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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.