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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.