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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Iām not shy, Iām just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"