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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.