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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Being alive is so expensive.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
Home is where the alcohol is.