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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.