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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.