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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.