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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.