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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.