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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.