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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.