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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.