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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.