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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.