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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
It’s not pretty being easy.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)