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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day