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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?