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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.