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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Iām not going bald. Iām getting more head.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I make a great second impression.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."