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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.