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I drink to make other people interesting
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.