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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.