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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver