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Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
awesome collection!