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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?