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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.