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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I just called. To say. I texted you.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.