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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."