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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...