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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.