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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.