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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.