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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."