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If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.