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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.