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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume