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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.