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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.