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I wish I had a friend like me
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.