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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Don`t believe everything you think.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV