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My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.