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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.