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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.