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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner