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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool