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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
Smelling another person should be a choice.