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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.