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Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I believe in love at first episode.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)