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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.