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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools