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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”