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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off