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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.