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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.