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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.