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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
HR have advised that Iām not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)