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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.