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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?