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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.