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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.